by Guest Writer
By Daniel Oppenheimer with Jesse Goldberg
The SAR school-wide shabbaton has been known for many things: student-teacher bonding, Zachary Nelkin being the loudest member of the student body, and even it’s similarity to Electric Zoo. One thing SAR is not proud to be associated with is its failed room request forms. When asked about the ability of a student to request themselves, request the same person several times, and even request the opposite gender, Rabbi Avi Bloom responded, “The Bloompalumpas and I are doing productive stuff… I promise.” Another flaw in the system is all of the advanced hackers at SAR. They discovered that once you gain access to someone’s account, you can request people for them and they cannot undo those requests. The most notable victim, Alexander Hershkowitz ’14, finally removed his password, “RejectedFromHopkins!” from the window outside the GLC office. The biggest scandal coming from “Request-gate”, was when Dr. Shinar caught a senior boy, who refused to have his name published (It was Yakir Greenberg… we don’t care what you want, Yakir.), in the middle of requesting Daniella Krausz, Rachel Meyer, Sara Apple, Arielle Landes and both Lustigs. After being emailed by Rabbi Harcsztark regarding his request to room with underclasswomen, Yakir copied and pasted the infamous email originally crafted by Seffi Jonas and sent it to the Rav. Rabbi Harcsztark could not be reached for further comments.
The rooming system was also ruined by the sudden drop in Junior attendance caused by this Sunday’s SATs. Anticipating a small Junior grade turnout, Rabbi Harcsztark under booked 27 rooms and is forcing some teachers to share rooms with random guests staying at the Stamford Plaza Hotel. Upon hearing that he will be sharing a room with Mr. Goodman and Ms. Brandriss, Paul Ferguson, a mortgage broker on a business trip from Duluth, Minnesota, said, “I came here for business and pleasure. And it seems like I am getting just that” He followed this statement by giving the Gruensnews staff a very discomforting wink.